Family Chat: Creating An Inclusive Home Together With Richard Roman Jr.
In this episode, my husband, Richard Roman Jr, talk about building a family and community together, our experiences as people of color, encountering racism and discrimination, and the importance of acknowledging individual differences and privileges.
Summary
Taylor Rae and her husband, Richard Roman Jr, had a family chat where they discussed their eight-year relationship that began on Tinder. They talked about building a family and community together, their experiences as people of color, encountering racism and discrimination, and the importance of acknowledging individual differences and privileges. They also shared their unique home traditions blending their cultural cuisines and holiday norms. The chat concluded with recognition of the emotional effort required to navigate their varied life experiences and the necessity for open conversations.
Transcription
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
What's up? Welcome back. My name is Taylor Ray. It's another family chat and this is on the outside. Hello. Hello. Hello. This week we are back for actually the last episode with my husband Richard Roman Junior. He's been on twice before for our family chats and today we're having another conversation in our conversation today. Instead of focusing on the ways in which we've been made to feel left out.
We really want to talk about the ways in which we've built, not only a community but a family together. Richard and I are going on eight years together after matching on Tinder. Can you believe it? Tinder sponsor us? Give us money, give us coins, put us on a billboard. but after almost eight years, we have really found so many ways to build our life together in a way that is integrated and that brings in all of the different parts of us.
And today that is what we're getting into. Let's do it. Ok, honey, this is your last episode of the season.
Richard Roman Jr
I know. I feel like the people are just getting to know you and all of your charms and your humors. And all that you are. but the last two episodes, I'm very happy we had those conversations. Don't get me wrong, but I think it doesn't really, I mean, a lot of this project for me has been thinking about the past in many ways, like the ways that growing up, it really shaped me how much I felt like an outsider. I mean, and growing up goes all the way into like my twenties. Honestly, it's not really like only something that happened when I was like five years old. But I do have to say that today systemically, sure. I still feel like an outsider because we are in what a racial, capitalist white supremacist society, right? So hate that for me. But it was in mine in my like, friend groups and community also.
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
Like, I have different access, socioeconomically as far as my education. Like, there are many ways in which I, you know, don't have to deal with those barriers. But all that being said, there are many ways that I don't feel like an outsider in my normal everyday life. And the main way is with you in our home, in our family because I'm with you every day of my life pretty much except once, one hour a week.
Richard Roman Jr
And that's a very stressful.
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
Where's my mom? No, that's not true. Obviously, you go to work and I go to school and we have a life, but we spend a lot of time together because we are best friends and I was trying to signal you to say it with me at the same time. We are best friends. Thank you. and I think there's so many ways that we've made our little community to make us both feel included, you know.
Yeah, absolutely. I completely agree. I think everything from the beginning in terms of like traditions that we've done, you know, every single year, something that we've integrated from the very beginning where really it was your influence, to be honest. All the holidays we have to scrap. Our Christmas traditions are top notch. They are level 12, level 17 out of 10.
And honestly, that has brought me so much joy in my life just because to be honest, I didn't really, you know, I, I've had that when I was a kid to a certain extent, but not like how we do. So I am so excited for knock on wood, our future family or future kids to be able to experience that because we did a pretty fucking good job.
Yeah, we have so many fun holiday traditions and even which is when we're recording this podcast, Chinese New Year hasn't happened yet, but by the time it released, it will have just passed even Chinese New Year, which was obviously new to me, like I didn't grow up with a Chinese community. But I love Chinese new year.
Like one, I get free money, which I do think we're going to have to give envelopes this year because we are married. We're adults. Papa gave us envelopes last year. But I think that was like she was being nice. Yeah, I think she is going to be like no girl, we are supposed to give envelopes to your little cousin. Do that.
We are our little cousins. I give you money for a good luck and fortune. No, we're adults. I know.
Ok, we'll see. I think we can bring the envelopes. But if we get envelopes, then I'm not giving them out, then I'm still going to be seeing it. We're still seen as Children, we'll see how it goes. But yeah, even Chinese New Year like putting out the oranges, putting out the chocolate candy. putting out those little, what are the little things that mold? They're like little sugary cupcake things.
Richard Roman Jr
You're really putting me on the spot and you're really putting me on their, you know, Chinese listeners, Lunar New Year. So I guess it's all like Asian Lunar New Year is different.
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
Is it?
No, it's not. No, it's not. Your mom was like, I definitely asked your mom and she was like, no, it's all the same. But the Chinese calendar, I don't know if this is historically accurate guys. I do not know, you know, I do all my research for my other episodes but for my family chats. We're just freestyling it. I feel like your mom was like, but like it was like the Chinese who made the calendar that we go by for Chinese New Year.
And that's why we take ownership of it and call it Chinese New Year. But it is Lunar New Year to like all of the other Asian cultures. This is what she told me. It could be, facts, could be fiction.
I can't really give a confident answer because I'm not confident and I just hope that your listeners are not going to cancel me for not knowing these things.
They won't, honey. It's ok. I what's really funny though about Chinese New Year? Is that every single thing? And I'm like, why do we let these cakes mold luck. Good fortune money. Why do we clean the whole house? Luck. Good fortune money. Why don't we throw out like we don't throw out the garbage on the day because you're like throwing away your luck luck. Good fortune money. Like everything. Is that orange hair? No, because you wash out your luck. huh. Yeah, it is. It is.
It definitely is my mom.
Everything's just luck. Good fortune money.
Those are the vibes separate from Chinese New Year and like the holidays, what I really love about like the just kind of like the melting pot of our home is on a weekly basis when we cook food. Yeah.
Richard Roman Jr
And you're also a quarter Puerto Rican and I'm a quarter Korean, right?
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
But I feel like we've said you're Korean in other episodes. I don't think we've said that you are a quarter Puerto Rican. So the people know you're half Chinese quarter Korean, quarter Puerto Rican.
Correct. And yeah, I think I'll be honest, like, I mean, I grew up, you know, in a household of, you know, Chinese culture and flus. So, you know, I really never went into the Korean Puerto Rican side of, you know, my family or just like my I guess culture, culture. But yeah, anyway, going back to like the food that we cook every week, it's very much cross culture.
Yeah, like we make so I make this soup that I don't know if it's only Dominican, but it's like from my Dominican side called San Coo. And then we put like Udon noodles in it or we put rice cake in it and we like eat that with chopsticks and amazing. And we also when we make like plantains like Tostones and you flip them with your chopsticks and we use like the Chinese hot sauce and all of our like, yeah, literally our rice and beans.
That's so true. I cook my Spanish rice in a rice cooker and my friends will be like, this does not taste like Spanish rice. I'm like, yes, it does. Like, I don't even remember I've been eating like rice cooker rice for a minute which I love rice cooker. Rice is amazing.
Like high grade sushi rice.
Yeah, that's so true. For Spanish rice and beans. That's so funny. What else I make like yellow rice with corn and like chicken which is like a Puerto Rican thing in the rice cooker.
I have to say like the things I make are not as cross cultural just because you know how I am because you love a recipe.
You a recipe. You love.
That's why I love baking more.
Richard is such a good baker guys. Everyone should know it.
If you're lucky, you might get my biscuits.
Richard's biscuits sexual. If you're lucky, you might get my biscuits. I keep it in so funny. That's so funny. Yeah, but we're a very cross-cultural home. I love that for us. And I will also say all that stuff is the super fun and relatively easy parts. I think the tougher parts which I'm so proud of us is like, yes, we are both people of color.
Yes, we both experience bullying, racism, discrimination, those different factors. I mean especially like during the pandemic, remember like people were saying like crazy shit to you because you're an Asian person.
Remember we had that person take out a knife.
Oh yeah. on the subway. That was for both of us though. They were calling me and where they were calling you slurs. That was for that was, that was equal racism for both of us in that moment. Luckily we were safe. It was like someone came up to us on the subway. They were like a little bit of a distance away. They weren't like right in our face, but they had a box cutter.
but they ended up walking away. So it's ok. Don't be too alarmed. I did tell my mom about this. So mom, if you're listening, don't freak out, you know that this happened. It was scary, it was scary. But what I was going to say is like during the pandemic, like people would pass by you and say slurs to you.
Richard Roman Jr
when you were at work, remember because of everyone being like this is a China China virus, the China.
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
Yeah. and you know, stop Asian hate was like a huge thing during that time because of the Coronavirus. The rhetoric that was going around about this is a China flu and all that stuff.
Businesses.
Absolutely. So that being said, it is very interesting and it has been something that we've really had to talk about and deal with, head on with that. Yeah, we've both experienced these things but they're different, they're different, there's different ways that they impact us. There's different privileges we hold in different spaces.
And I feel like that's been also like really a beautiful way to, you know, be each other's allies. When one of us is experiencing something and help them go through it and, you know, be able to validate those feelings and also recognize that they're similar but also different.
I think that's a huge, thing that you brought up. Right. Because I think, I don't know, maybe like, it's the movies and the TV shows that I've, like, seen and, you know, in the past but, like, I, it almost seems like a, a sitcom or like a, you know, a tragic rom com or something like that where it's like, you know, the partner is like, saying, you know, this is what I'm experiencing but the, the other partners, like, no, that's not how you're experiencing it. Right. And I think that's something that we haven't done. We've been very open about talking about.
I think there have been moments though that are like a little bit that one of us might be resistant. Eventually we do get through it. But it hasn't always been like easy peasy. It's not like, hey, Richard, this is what it's like for me. And you're like, yep, I believe you, you know what I mean? Like that. It's been a learning now. It might be like today if I told you, hey, this happened to me and this is why you'd be like 100%.
But I mean, I remember very early on, like, first few months dating, you talk to me about being at one of your friend's houses who you're not friends with anymore. So it's fine. He's not going to be listening to this podcast. But you were at one of your friend's houses and you were like, I could tell that his parents were really listening to and engaging with all the other guys and not me, they didn't take me seriously, they didn't care.
They had to say they barely wanted to talk to me. I was the only Asian person there. I was the only person of color there and I know that that's why and I believed you right away 100%. I actually talked about this in the episode with my mom also. You, you know, if you freaking know if you've experienced discrimination and you've experienced like someone dismissing you or giving you a weird look like those little tiny microaggressions that someone else might just like discredit or
like discount or like not care, not believe you. I, 100% was like, yeah, that's so true. So in certain ways right away, we were like, hell, yeah, that's, I believe you. I see you. I've been there but in other ways like it's been harder.
Yeah, I think I understand and yes, I do think it's also like, I don't know if you've had this experience with your friends but with my friends, you know, at least when I've had conversations to kind of tell them about like what I told all you guys now in the past two episodes, right about my history. A lot of my friends were very resistant at first they were like, are you sure that happened?
Richard Roman Jr
You know, maybe like this person meant well, this and that maybe you just misunderstood and did that make you mad at the time?
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
That makes me mad. It makes me mad now. But when I've experienced that, it makes me mad. I'm like, why would you not believe me?
That happened to me today? I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking? Why am I talking to you still?
Why do I have to prove it to you?
I don't have anything to prove to you.
Richard Roman Jr
But in the back back then I was like, you know, I know a little baby child, a little baby, 2122 year old child, like your goal was you want to convince them that it was true.
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
No, I kind of wanted to, to just tell them that like, yeah, I guess it isn't convincing, right? I wanted to tell them this is what my experience was and this is what is true for me.
Yeah, you want them to believe you.
And you know, they didn't at that point and those seeing people now through more conversations, more vulnerability communication. they understand now and I guess I'm just trying to tie it back into us right? There are a lot of things I think especially when we first started dating. you Taylor are the first black woman I ever dated.
You're the first Asian man I ever dated too.
Maybe some internal biases there with ourselves.
And it's very interesting because I read a study that was done a couple of years ago, told you about it. How black women are and Asian men are the least swiped on people on dating apps. They have the least amount of matches.
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman
So shout to us the least, the least likely, the least likely and now the most
Richard Roman Jr
watch out people not the most. But yeah, you were the first black woman I ever dated and I mean for anybody who has seen me in person, I have thick straight hair. I've never had to deal worry about my hair in terms of care. Although all my friends think I spend hours every morning to get this perfect looking hair.
and that and clear. So you better not come after me, ok? For my period of time where I had a phase, you know, a weird hair, weird hair. But yeah, I didn't have to experience the things that you do as a black woman with your hair and that was, that was a learning opportunity for me.
And you did, I I so much remember maybe our fourth day, fifth day. I don't, I don't know it was early on. I have it like written down in like our little scrapbook. But fourth or fifth day I told you I was going to take my extensions off and I did and I came into the living room and we were watching stranger things and I sat down and you like kissed the top of my head and I literally was tearing up like crying watching it because you were so sweet to me
because before then I just kept my hair on like 24 hours a day. And it was like, never ever, ever, ever going to take it off in front of you even though it was like borderline painful.
Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr
And you were so sweet to me and you've never ever, ever, ever, ever made fun of my hair, like, you know how sensitive I am, you're always like, your hair is beautiful and I'm like, no, it's not, don't look at me, but you have always been so supportive, but just to kind of like, I guess get to the point, right?
Richard Roman Jr
Like there are things that you've experienced in your life that I didn't understand and, and sometimes I was very open, for example, like your hair to want to be able to be as supportive with you. But there are also things as a black woman, you know, in the world that you experience that I might not have understood in the beginning and it might have taken some emotional labor to be able to get that across to me and thanks for seeing that, honey.
You know, I think that's really nice. That's sweet. You're welcome. But you know, that, that's to say like, what we're talking about in terms of, you know, other people and friends and just people in general, like, kind of listening to you and not really like understanding, you know, not even in our relationship where I think right now we're amazing.
It's not always easy and perfect. It does take emotional labor, it does take patience and being able to maybe sometimes have a bad conversation first and have 23572 ones after.
Yeah, that was good, honey. Love you, girl.
Love you too.
Yeah. Such a good episode with Richard. Another amazing family chat. I'm a little sad that he is not going to be on any more family chats this season, but you're gonna have some great conversations with my friend Talah and with my cousin Shailene.
Those are coming up in the next few weeks. We are already almost, not quite halfway, but almost halfway through this season and I hope you're loving it as much as I am. Thank you once again for being here. I see you. I'm with you. See you out there.
