How To Be A Good Ally
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Hello Friends!
Welcome to Issue 4 of this newsletter! This week’s topic is How to Be a Good Ally. I was inspired to create this newsletter after having some really great talks this week with some friends, colleagues, and businesses who simply messed up and wanted to do better as an advocate for Black lives. We’ll be going over some key terms to know, my personal tips on allyship, and some solid resources, because it ain’t a trend, honey.
Key Terms
Allyship: an active, consistent, and arduous practice of unlearning and re-evaluating, in which a person in a position of privilege and power seeks to operate in solidarity with a marginalized group.
Emotional Labor: When a person must constantly manage their emotions—either by suppressing them, showing them, or redefining them— in order to sustain the outward countenance that produces the proper state of mind in others.
Implicit Bias: We use the term “implicit bias” to describe when we have attitudes towards people or associate stereotypes with them without our conscious knowledge.
Tone Policing: Tone policing describes a diversionary tactic used when a person purposely turns away from the message behind her interlocutor’s argument in order to focus solely on the delivery of it.
Systemic Racism: "Individual" racism is not created in a vacuum but instead emerges from a society's foundational beliefs and "ways" of seeing/doing things, and is manifested in organizations, institutions, and systems (including education).
White Fragility: discomfort and defensiveness on the part of a white person when confronted by information about racial inequality and injustice.
Let’s Get Into It
Being a good ally is not necessarily easy, simple or painless. It requires a great amount of soul-searching and self-reflection, and can often feel like you are taking apart your own ego. It’s not glamorous. These are some of my thoughts on being a good ally:
1. Believe People
When a marginalized person tells you about their personal experiences, believe them. Validate their humanity. If the first thing you want to respond with is “Why?” Or “I don’t understand how that’s true.” — you’re assuming a few things. The first, that you have the choice to believe their real lived experience and even have the right to say “no”. The second, that you hold the power and have the final say in if their experience gets the respect and understanding it demands. If you do not have any experience or knowledge on what they are sharing, know that you are blessed with the resource of GOOGLE which can enlighten you further without causing that individual the added emotional labour of having to explain things that you can learn with the tap of your phone.
2. Continue To Learn
Setup a schedule and hold yourself accountable so you remember to read that book every week, listen to that podcast as each new episode releases, or watch those documentaries, like you said you would. Subscribe to newsletters that come to your inbox every week. Continue to have conversations and engage with people in a respectful and humble way.
3. Be Willing To Make Mistakes
Silence isn’t a solution. Be willing to put yourself out there and make a mistake. Know that they will happen. Some will be glad to hear you say, “I was wrong, these are some examples of how I am now going to do better.” Some won’t be interested in staying around to see how you rectify those mistakes, and that’s their choice, which is also worthy of respect.
4. Don’t Tell Marginalized People How To Express Themselves
Tone policing (defined above) is toxic. It’s inappropriate to tell someone how to verbalize their grief, trauma, anger, or any other emotion they might be experiencing. “When you debate a person about something that affects them more than it affects you, remember it will take a much greater emotional toll on them…For you it may feel like an academic exercise, for them it feels like retelling their pain only to have you dismiss their experience and sometimes their humanity. The fact that you might remain more calm under these circumstances is a consequence of your privilege, not increased objectivity on your part.”(Jean Elie)
Resources
Learning and un-learning is a lifelong journey. There are many complex topics to explore. Below are some simple, digestible introductions to massive, complicated and fundamental concepts. I cannot stress enough that these graphics barely scratch the surface and require careful research and reflection.
Next week we are focusing on COVID and it’s effects on the BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) Community. Let’s learn more about why nearly 23% of reported COVID-19 deaths in the US are African-Americans as of May 20, 2020, even though black people only make up roughly 13% of the US population. See you there!
