Family Chat: Navigating High School With Richard Roman Jr.

In this episode, my husband, Richard Roman Jr, talk about bullying, navigating high school and finding community. 

Summary

The podcast episode featured a discussion between Taylor Rae and her husband, Richard Roman Jr, about their experiences as minorities in predominantly white communities. Richard shared his struggles in adapting to these environments, using self-deprecating behavior as a coping mechanism. Both confessed to bullying others to deflect attention from themselves. They reflected on their maturity and comfort with their identities, with Richard expressing guilt and regret for his past actions. The conversation is set to continue in the upcoming podcast episode.

Transcription

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Welcome back. My name is Taylor Ray. This is another family chat and this is on the outside. On today's episode. I have back, my husband, Richard Roman Junior. You caught him in week one of the podcast where he shared a little bit of his story and gave some details about an experience that made him feel like an outsider on today's episode.

We're coming at you from our living room in Brooklyn. We're drinking a glass of champagne and just having a little conversation. I think you're going to love it. Listen up. Let's get into it.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

Ok, honey, welcome back to the podcast.

Richard Roman Jr

Thank you. I'm so happy to be back.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

This is funny because we're just in our living room hanging out.

Richard Roman Jr

We are, we are. Well, I'm happy to be talking again and we have a rollie rollie.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

So if you hear scratching it is him rolling around on the floor.

Richard Roman Jr

But I'm happy we're talking again. I think after the episode aired, I, there was a sense of anxiety for me, you know, kind of just listening to my voice and obviously, when we were speaking last time, you know, I didn't really plan on kind of sharing what I did and, it was a little bit vulnerable but I'm happy at some point. I did listen to the episode.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

but I'm happy it's out there did.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

and you also got some feedback on the episode, like you got some responses, some really positive responses.

Richard Roman Jr

Yeah, it was pretty surprising. you know, it was pretty surprising. you know, I've had my friends reach out to me and, you know, obviously everything was ok and I think they just expressed that, you know, their concern and, and, you know, that they're there for me if I need anything, which is great.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

Obviously it's always here and also people saying like, oh, I was bullied too as a kid or, like, stuff like that.

Richard Roman Jr

Right. Yeah, it was really cool. you know, people that I think with my friends, I do get, I do get deep in and talk about those things, especially, as an adult. I've been able to kind of open them up and I think other people have been able to open up as well to kind of self reflect, and talk about those things. but more surprisingly I had people who I hadn't, I'll be honest even when I was in, you know, university.

So before, I went to Boston University, which was like, I think I was a junior when I transferred to bu, I was at a university called High Point University. And, I had people from there reaching out to me as well. you know, one person who I was part of a fraternity there, and, it was a younger guy, that, reached out to me and, you know, he was basically like, you know, I know we don't really chat and, even when we were in college, I, I knew him, he was in my fraternity.

We, you know, he was nice enough, you know, but we never really like hung out. but he reached out to me and he said, you know, pretty kind words and honestly, it made me feel very hopeful that, you know what I talked about last episode was actually good. Right? So honey, it is awesome.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

It also made me think about when I started kind of sharing about because it was very interesting for me, like different to how your bullying and like straight up harassment that you experienced was pretty in your face and like some of it was pretty vulgar, like pretty violent even, right? Because you got into like a physical altercation even at some point.

For me, it was a little bit different. It was kind of like more catty, more secretive, more being left out. like rumors about me. like, for example, I remember when I had my first kiss in high school, it was with someone on the football team and then a bunch of guys from the football team surrounded me and started saying jungle fever like chanting it.

And I didn't like, how do I take that? And they were like laughing and they were like, ha ha good for him. Like they weren't like, you know, calling me the N word and like pushing me down like it wasn't like, it was almost in some ways confusing because I was like, oh, are they my friends? But are they making fun of me? Like, what's going on? Like it was really weird.

But what it made me think of is when I started sharing kind of what my experience was like, especially on social media, which is around 2020. Do you remember I got a message from a girl that I went to high school with that she was like, I'm so happy that you're talking about the bullying that you faced and you know, your experience growing up. But do you remember that you bullied me?

You remember that? And I won was so grateful of honestly her bravery for like straight up messaging me to address it. But it was also very and we spoke about this actually after our last episode because you were even saying, oh yeah, sometimes I would bully other kids because I didn't want to be bullied. And that's what made me kind of think about this again. Because I, and you know, I straight up my response to her, we had a really good conversation.

I feel like, at the end of it, she seemed to feel as good as she could. but I obviously apologized. I told her, I genuinely didn't really remember the incidents that potential, that, you know, did occur. Like I believe her, I believe everything that she said. I'm sure I did do those things. but it's also like you as someone that's being bullied, you kind of have the impulse, I guess, to bully other people because then the focus isn't on you, right?

Richard Roman Jr

That's what you were telling me the other day that you felt, I think for me and you know, just to give a little bit background, I, you know, as we talked about, I was in garden city, you know, growing up in high school and mostly predominantly white community. And again, I was trying to fit in when I went to High Point University, it was a very similar environment.

It really wasn't until I went to Boston University where I kind of was in a shock with, I guess my whole identity of myself, right? And culture shock, culture shock. because it's such a big Asian community, community, international, you know, community you know, all sorts of different kinds of people from literally all over the world.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

And, you know, did you not really have international students at high point high point.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

No, I went to school in New York. So like, I always have a million.

Richard Roman Jr

It was, we did have international students but they, I believe were, you know, they were kind of like the showcase of the international students of the university.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

But that wasn't the majority where I felt like at Boston University, maybe, maybe not if it was a majority, but it definitely felt you felt the presence on, especially being like cross cultural situation.

Richard Roman Jr

Like you felt like, oh so many people from all around the world, you didn't feel that at high point and kind of just time back to what you were talking about before, you know, in high school, even at High point University, I looking back at it now, reflecting back, I was so lost with my identity for so long.

Really wasn't until you and I first started dating when I was 23 when and really you kind of opened up my eyes. And that was really like when I started to feel more and more like myself because I started to really identify my culture and my, my, you know, who I am as a person.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

But it was really challenging for me because high point high school, I was making fun of myself, kind of like you're saying I was also making fun of other people too, which, you know, I've been really reflecting back on that, you know, for years now, were there other, like specifically Asian students that you feel like you were making fun of.

That's interesting because the example that I was sharing, she was not a person of color, like this girl that reached out to me, she was like a white student in a predominantly white school.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

And it wasn't necessarily like, oh I'm going to pick on, I mean, I literally don't think there was like another brown girl in my grade that I could have been like, oh let's put the focus on her. So that was interesting. That's why I asked if they were, if it was like other Asian students.

Richard Roman Jr

Yeah. And you know, there was never a person that was like, if you do this, if you make fun of other Asian people, if you make fun of other people, you will fit in. Nobody ever said that.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

But for me, I think especially after I got into that altercation, that fight with that kid, you know, which you can hear about in the last episode.

Richard Roman Jr

You know, kind of like what I was saying in the last episode is, you know, the bullying, the, you know, the name calling and stuff like that slowed down, but it didn't stop. And that also didn't mean that everybody was willing to accept me into their community. And so I feel like it's almost like a, a survival tactic within like the social, you know, environment of high school that you know, for me, I was like, all right, for me to fit in. I'm going to make fun of myself.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

I'm going to make fun of myself and I used to do that too.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Remember I told you that there was like a boy that transferred into our school and he was from, he transferred from Puerto Rico and he had a accent and I used to like prank call people when I was with my friends and like, put on his accent and pretend to be him to be. Obviously the people I was prank calling were like other kids in my school that knew it wasn't him.

But I was like, oh, that's funny. And I'm, I'm Puerto Rican. He's Puerto Rican. I'm gonna make fun of that and everyone's gonna laugh and think that I'm cool and you know, I don't know, I don't know how old I was maybe sixth grade or seventh grade or something but like, yeah, I totally, yeah.

Richard Roman Jr

And you know, it's, it's tough because, you know, at the same time I was being bullied for being Asian. I was also, you know, bullying other people and I understand the hypocrisy of it. Right. And it just is, it's not as simple as, you know. Yes and no, it's very complex because again, I was trying to fit in. I wanted friends, I wanted to be able to fit in.

I wanted to be able to hang out with people and have a social group. And there could have been other ways for me to have that. But the way that I found that worked in the moment for me was to make fun of myself to make fun of other people. And that really kind of not messed me up. But it did it clouded my judgment and it really prevented or like it really just created like this veil that prevented me from really identifying who I am as a person.

And, you know, going beyond high school into high point, same environment mostly white. or at least the people that I surrounded myself with were right. And again, nobody is saying Richard, you don't have to make fun of other people or yourself to fit in. I still felt like what I did in high school worked. So I'm going to do that in college and I did that high point.

and, you know, I eventually transferred to Boston University and like we said, Boston University is very different in terms of the demographics and that didn't work there. Not only was I, you know, a junior transfer there, which was later than most people, you know, I transferred in you know, my identity at that time was like, I was this, you know, kid from high point that was in this fraternity and this and that and I, and I don't like that for myself, but you know, I made fun of

myself. I made fun of other people and where's my environment? Like, I, like, I did not read the room at that time, you know, and like, it's honestly looking back at it, it's so cringe for your face. I knew you were going to be like, I feel so cringe, it feels really cringy because like looking back at it, I'm like, wow, dude, you were so freaking lost and I wish, you know, like, thankfully I've made like amazing friends, right? I have Vanessa, I have Clarissa.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

And other people from high point, you do have amazing friends.

Richard Roman Jr

I do, I do that.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

I am able to get super deep and you have shared a lot of this stuff with them as well.

Richard Roman Jr

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I love that for me too. And you know, I'm very lucky that I'm able to have friends like that that can accept me for whatever position I was in. But yeah, like I remember when I went to Boston University, I know like I felt like I was again an outsider in a different way though, right?

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Because it wasn't that you were like racially the only Chinese Korean person. It was a different thing, which is very interesting. I feel I resonate with that actually because all of my youth, it was racially feeling like an outsider, ethnically feeling like an outsider. But once I got to college. For me, a lot of it was like socioeconomically feeling like an outsider. which is how I ended up in like a bunch of credit card debt in college. But it was also yeah, like just the, the, for

me, it was the culture of wealth because wealth isn't only just buying expensive stuff. Wealth is also, do you know what a Michelin star even is? I didn't know what a Michelin star was, you know what I mean? Do you know what it means to like, do these things? And no, I don't know what that is. So that's interesting because I felt I was not, it wasn't that I was like a racial minority anymore. It was just like a different thing.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

And you know, what was that different thing?

Richard Roman Jr

You think the different thing was that high school, middle school all my life? I have been in this, you know, community where I've been the, you know, the one or maybe one of few Asian or people of color in the community. And then all of a sudden like getting into an environment that is the complete opposite where I am part of a community where I was surrounding myself with, you know, people who are in the Asian community, who are of different ethnicities and trying to fit in that way because I experienced the whole life where I tried to make myself not a person of color, not see myself as a person of color. So all of a sudden literally within the switch, you know, like with, it's, you know, a month or two, right? Just all of a sudden being in this community where all of that doesn't matter. Right? And the part where I'm like, wow, this is crunchy is like, I was making fun of myself. I was probably, I probably seem like such a dick honestly.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman, Richard Roman Jr

Like people were probably looking to ask your friends.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

I ask her.

Richard Roman Jr

Yeah, I Clarissa and Nessa. But yeah, I, you know, I felt and I wish I, you know, and the person now back then because I feel like I really could have had just a lot more, I wouldn't say like better or worse, not because I'm saying like, you know, my circumstances were like, not good there, but I could have had different relationships. And I think unfortunately looking back at it, I can't say that, you know, I show people the best version myself then. and that's why I wish I and you know, the person now.

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense and I agree with that feeling of like wishing that you could have been a better version of yourself sooner. But I'm so proud of you for how much progress that you've made it warms my heart, how you feel about like how you see yourself.

Richard Roman Jr

I am happy, I'm the person I am today. I am more myself today, especially, you know, with you. Shout out to my wife, shout out to marriage and therefore matching us in that relationship. But yeah, I, I feel grateful but I do. Honestly, there is a, there is an underlying feeling within me that feels guilty about some of the things in the past

Taylor Rae Almonte-Roman

Richard and I can and do talk forever, but don't worry, he's going to be back next week for another family chat when it comes to my conversations with Richard. Honestly, we're just kind of going with the flow. So who knows what we will talk about then. See you out there.